As I'm sure you all understand, time is no longer of the essense, if you will. Or really, it is. The things that before always HAD to be done, really aren't quite as necessary in our lives. What is of the essence, though, is Colin. So much so that Rebecca has now crafted a daily schedule for us to use so we don't forget a nebulizer treatment, or one of the many new steps in feeding him, or a session of chest pt (gently thumping on this back and chest). So many things involving Colin and taking care of him are more "of the essence" now than they ever were in our eyes before. It is crazy how adjusting your life because you absolutely have to can give you a glimpse into how selfish you really are as a person. And slowly but surely, through this process, we are stripping down layer upon layer of selfish pride to provide completely selfless care for our son.
Sitting in his room, by his crib, between 9 and 10 each night, holding a breathing mask up to his face so he can take in the different drugs pumping through the nebulizer, there are moments that I look at him and I can think of no where else I would rather be, and yet in the same moment, I don't want to be there at all. I want to be downstairs watching tv, or lying in bed next to my wife. I don't want to have to play "doctor" day in and day out for my son. I think ahead to our future and I don't want to spend a week or more each year by my son's hospital bed because his breathing had become too bad for us to care for him in our home. These are my selfish desires. I don't want them so Colin doesn't have to go through it all, I want them because I don't want to go through it all.
And in that same moment, I am back to not wanting to leave Colin's side. To always wanting to protect him and provide for him, and watch him grow into a stellar young man and sweep some lovely, unsuspecting young girl off her feet. I want to instill in him a desire to dream big and love intensely and live adventurously. These are all things that I wanted since the moment we found out Rebecca was pregnant. I want to love him unconditionally and I pray that through those devastating moments when the neurons in my brain are colliding with the reality and the gravity of Colin's situation, that God would provide both Rebecca and myself with the strength and the courage to rise above the "me" culture in which we live, which infects us both, and see to it that our actions towards Colin are completely and utterly for him, 100% organic and pure.
So as for the essence of time, the blog really hasn't been gaining any ground on the list. It is evenings like tonight, when Colin goes down for bed smoothly (which is actually happening much more often lately), that I am able to squeeze in some time for things like this. And so instead of a real update with all the details of our life over the past few weeks, here is an even truer update into our hearts and our desires. To all of you, thank you so much for all you have done over the past several weeks. Please know, even if we haven't had a chance to thank you personally, that you are all greatly appreciated. I also know that many of you have sent emails and written letters and the like, and while we haven't been able to respond to every one just yet, please know we have received them and we thank you so much for your offerings of support and prayer. We humbly accept them all.
Soon I will have to add more pictures to Picasa of our incredible growing boy. Thanks to the enzymes he is now taking, he is bulking up quite nicely. I will be sure to let you know when I do. For now, adios.